What can you do while your sick and awake for limited amounts of time. Create a vision board of course! haha
My 2017 Vision Board! Do you have one?
These are my goals, dreams, desires and so forth and this doesn't even include all the plans I have with my family or the house! So what is pictured here?
1. I want to run 1/2 marathons again. I feel so very alive and accomplished when I do. 2. Get back to my goal weight of 135. 3. Keep climbing, pushing forward no matter what. Stop getting lazy. 4. Write something daily. 5. Be a better Coach, drink my Shakeology every day. 6. Take more photos :) 7. Continue regaining my strength for lifting at CF. 8. I've 12 new chapters and 365 new chances to improve. 9. Publish my books. 10. Obviously read my Bible. 11. Read many books, write reviews and support fellow authors. 12. Drink COFFEE
...yup, I shall be busy.
...as soon as I get over this sickness I've been hit with...
Do you keep a diary? I’ve been
writing since I was about eight. I’ve written all kinds of things, it’s just
something I’ve always done. If I couldn’t have pen and paper or a computer I
think a part of me would be missing. It would be similar to having my hand cut
off. This is just something I do, it's a part of who I am.
As technology has grown, my
writing is not so much hand written, yet I still find myself purchasing that new notebook or journal. What is wrong with me?
There is just something about the
way it feels in my hands, the smell of the paper…even the feel of the paper. I
love new pens and pencils too and they have to be the right ones! They have to ‘feel’ right. I’m very picky about those
things. I have an overabundance of these items. Just the other day both my
children were telling me “You don’t need
it” when I saw a pretty notebook. Because of my kids it remained at Walmart.
I ‘m not sure too many people understand
this part of me and that’s okay. It makes me quirky, I guess. Since technology has evolved and I have a computer, most of my notebooks or journals are used for actual 'note-taking'. Business notes, Bible study notes, Book notes (I read a lot) and any other kind of note I might need to write. If the notebook has really pretty paper, sometimes I even use it for handwritten letters...
And there lays a problem. I cannot tell you how many letters I've written that have never been mailed. Every time we have moved, I have found a cards or letters I meant to mail. Sometimes, I mail them and pray I said something good to the recipient because I haven't got a clue. I figure I wrote it for a reason and because I've a horrid memory it didn't get mailed or maybe...just maybe, God didn't want me to mail it yet. Maybe whatever it is I told them arrived at just the right time...there's a thought uh?
What this all comes down to is, I've been writing my story for years. Once in a while I share snippets of it with someone whom I feel needs to hear a certain part. Who I feel I can counsel, help and be a light for Jesus in their dark moment.
I don't know if what I say helps or not, but once upon a time my Grandpa (the greatest man that ever lived) found a letter I'd forgotten to mail to a dying woman. I have no idea what I said or even where that letter ended up. She had passed on by the time Grandpa found the letter, but he praised and praised me for writing it.
And then, even though I think he was thankful he got to read it, he was disappointed that the recipient hadn't received it. He told me how touching he thought the letter to be and how it would have been a blessing to her. He was sad that she didn't get to read it. I felt bad for forgetting to mail it. My goal in life has been to be that bit of light to another in their time of need. It's not an easy goal. It's an exhausting goal and most the time like my forgotten letters - I fall short. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm rather an introvert. I'm happy to stay home in my own little world most days. What I've learned is there are other ways to reach out to people. Technology sure helps with that, but still it is difficult to find the right person. The person God wants you to connect with and the people that will build your tribe. What do I mean by that? I don't remember who said it or where I saw it this week, but it went something like this:
"Do you ever see someone on Facebook, read their posts and think they are your BFF and don't even know it!"
Like they belong in your tribe and you belong in their's! You just connect! You just "get" each other. Together you're amazing!You succeed. You win. You laugh. You share. You grow. Why is that? I believe the answer is that if you...
I believe this to be absolutely true. Think about it. Who is that one person that just energizes you anytime you are around them? You can't help but feel excited and energized. Fun is about to be had! Right?
The wrong people dim your light, they exhaust you, make you feel less than you are and it's a horrible balance beam to walk. One side they are kind of your friend and the other side they're a bloody nightmare! You know?
Again, the right people energize you, they believe in you and support you. It's like they are the water and you the wilting plant. God sends them along at just the right moment to pull you out of that dark pit. Be aware of who you surround yourself with...
...because this too, is true! I do not have a potty mouth. I do have a few friends that do. I want to break them of that habit, yet if I spend enough time around them I notice myself saying words I normally do not use. I try to avoid that, which means avoiding that friend. I try to avoid T.V. shows or movies for the same reason. A bad habit can be broken but it is so easy to slip and fall back into.
During my six years in England I found myself surrounded by gym rats, fitness junkies and health freaks. Guess what? I became one! I drank the kool-aid, so to speak. They rubbed off on me and I'm so thankful they did. I learned so much about myself because of them. They helped me shine brighter!
The problem we run into in today's world is, well several things.
nobody has time for anyone
people are lazy
they have excuses fifteen miles long
they don't prioritize
they drift through life
they've been hurt before
doubt
they're afraid
scared to trust
feel safer at home
That list can go on and on, just like the reasons as to why very few people have seen or read many of my writings. What am I writing them for? What purpose are they serving if forgotten in drawer? Who are the touching, uplifting, encouraging, supporting or helping?
I have a story to tell, everybody does, but writing it is scary. Writing it is hard. It is an emotional journey with an ending and destination unknown. Fear can strangle it before pen ever touches paper and forcing fingertips to sit silently upon the keys...
Currently, we live in an apartment. It is temporary and I can't wait for it to be over. However, one of
the benefits is the swimming pool. I've been down a few times now, I prefer to go when it might be empty.
Today, the kids and I went down for about an hour. It was to be my workout. I'm not sure how much of a workout I got in as there were a few people enjoying the water. I swam around them and ran in place, which totally cracks my son up.
Then I laid out in the glorious sunshine for a bit to dry off, apparently that's the way my kids like to do it. First, you dry off. Then, you go home. Who knew!
I received some interesting mail...
I'm still new to Snap Chat, my daughter laughs at me a lot, but hey it's fun and I'm learning! So obviously I've been playing. Now, everybody probably got the same mail (at least I hope) but it was kind of a kick in the gut!
Why am I getting Baby mail? I know I've gained a good amount of weight, but come on! Really, Baby mail?
So after I put my swimsuit on I thought... "did a postal worker see me in my swimsuit?" I decided to snap a few photos with my faulty "selfie-stick". My daughter still cannot believe I bought one of those!
I've got my work cut out for me to lose all this nonsense again and I hate it. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. I had lost all this and here it is BACK - do you know how angry that makes me? And I let it happen! Do you know that? I did, nobody else. I know what to do and I didn't do it! What is wrong with me?!
I've been doing a lot of soul searching here the last few weeks and I've been setting some goals for myself. Goals are important but without a deadline they are simply a wish and that's all I've been doing for the last 2 years. 1 to 2 weeks of commitment and a crap load of wishes.
Goal 1: Throw out the wishbone. Find the backbone. NOW!
Goal 2: Look "better" in said swimsuit by September 10th.
Goal 3: Future goal
This video is of my son, if you follow me on Facebook you have probably already seen this - if not prepare to be amazed! This is my Future Goal!!! I struggle to swim with my face in the water. I am not good at swimming underwater because I need to plug my nose. This is something I've struggled with for years. My son has challenged me...
I may wear a nose plug - but I WILL do this for him!
Recently, in my Mom's Facebook group my sister Holly posted some little workout videos. She'd been asking how to squeeze things in with her lifestyle as a single Mom. I told her to go to the park and PLAY. And boy, did she play! I am so stinkin' proud of her right now! I had tears running down my cheeks as I watched her sweet little Live videos!
I wanted to run home and hug her, but 900 miles is a little far to run! So I responded with a live video of my own letting her know how proud I was. She's going to have one amazing story! I'm so thankful I get to watch.
I love a good success story, don't you? Together, I believe we can achieve more and we can each become our very own success story.
You are the author of your life - get out there and write it!
I've been doing a lot of soul
searching this past week and as I was thinking about the title for this post, I
thought “even the great fall”. Then I typed that into google to see what popped
up and instantly I was presented with Collide by Howie Day. I’ve heard the song
before but I don’t know that I ever paid such close attention to the words.
Words are important. A song is far
more than a beautiful melody. It is note after note played together until they
flow together in the right rhythm. It can be left with no words, just a
beautiful melody that washes over you like a fresh new morning full of peace.
It’s beautiful, but words are added to enhance it.
Take for example a beautiful woman,
who needs no make-up, she’s gorgeous just the way God made her. Yet every
morning she applies just a little lipstick or eye color. The right color
enhances and the wrong color takes away from the beauty already there.
Words are like that. The right
words can take a beautiful melody to new heights and the wrong words can ruin
what once was beautiful. Therefore, words are very important.
As I listened to the words of
Collide, I wondered the history behind them. I researched that very fact and
this is what I found:
Howie Day wrote the song with
Better Than Ezra frontman Kevin Griffin, who told us the meaning behind it: “That
song lyrically is about people who come together despite being different, and
this song, ‘Collide,’ is about a person who is kind of closed off and insular
and not a gregarious person, coming together with someone who is. And that
despite being two different types of people, you still come together and find a
common ground. And then literally colliding into one another and how life has a
way of doing that.” (http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=7431)
I want you to look at it in
possibly another way. Everyone interrupts words differently and you might even interrupt
them differently over time. I’ve done a lot of soul searching this week and
watching the Olympics.
I remembered watching a Biggest
Loser episode forever ago and what I remembered was the contestant had been an
Olympian. Could you imagine that fall? Olympians are great, are they not? This
week while watching the gymnasts my daughter declared, “Look at the muscle on
that girl!” If you are an Olympian everyone is watching you, everyone is
looking at you. To fall from Olympian to Biggest Loser, gosh it kind of cuts my
heart. Could you imagine how deflated and defeated that person must feel?
With this thought in mind I returned
to google yet again, this time to search Olympians on the Biggest Loser and
look what I found. I took a moment to highlight a few key words for you.
• Rondalee Beardslee, 28, currently weighs 280 lbs. but played basketball, volleyball and softball in high school. She says after she stopped playing sports, she got lazy and went through a "deep, dark depression." • Howard "Woody" Carter, 46, played football in a semi-pro league and the Arena Football League. Now 398 lbs., he is on the show to fulfill a promise he made to his wife to get healthy. • Toma Dobrosavljevic, 33, played soccer and has been active all of his life but now weighs 336 lbs. He says his wake-up call came when his life insurance agent told him he was almost uninsurable because of his weight. • Zina Garrison, 50, is a retired tennis player who medaled at the 1988 Olympics. Now at 263 lbs., Garrison says she wants to lose weight for herself and be able to try on a nice pair of jeans. • Rob Guiry, 26, has always dealt with weight issues despite his participation in sports. He says he's been the biggest guy on every team he's played on and, at 483 lbs., he's also the biggest guy at the ranch this season. • Gina Haddon, 41, was a cheerleader growing up and became a cheer coach, but she always ate very unhealthily. Now the married mom of two children is 242 lbs. and motivated to lose weight for her family. • Vanessa Johnson, 32, was a former WNBA player, and at 366 lbs., she wants to get fit for her two kids. • Sonya Jones, 39, currently weighs 283 lbs. She was an All-American two consecutive years for semi-professional softball but has been overweight all of her life. She's an avid Biggest Loser fan and says the show has always inspired and motivated her, and now she's a contestant. • Chandra Maple, 26, is a high school girls basketball coach who grew up on the court but now says she can't get up and down the court with her girls. At 341 lbs., she's on the show to fulfill a promise to her grandmother to get healthy. • Scott Mitchell, 46, played 12 seasons in the NFL as a quarterback. He now weighs 366 lbs. and admits that when he retired, he retired "from everything." • Emmy Lou Munoz, 32, is a wife and a mom of two. She has played sports all of her life but has always been overweight. At 260 lbs., her wake-up call was in 2011 when her son – who was 4 years old at the time – started running away from her and she could barely catch him. • John "JJ" O'Malley, 22, played football at Arizona State University but has always struggled with weight. Now at 392 lbs., O'Malley says, "I want to change the perception of myself. I want to drop the 'big.' I just want to be JJ O'Malley." • Jackie Pierson, 36, played several sports in high school. Now at 291 lbs. and a married mom of two young daughters, she wants to be there for her family and help one of her daughters prevent a potential weight problem. http://www.people.com/article/biggest-loser-season-16-cast-reveal
Do you see the connection here? I see two, to
be honest.
The
Best – Olympians, Football players, Softball players…athletes.
The
Past – High School was a long time ago.
The words to ‘Collide’ can fit nearly any
relationship but I believe they can fit an internal one as well. I’m going to
use myself for an example this time. I am so very far from the Best, but I did
fall.
Unlike the above examples I did not start out
as any type of athlete, as a matter of fact I hated sports. I hated gym class.
I thought I’d become an athlete one year and signed up for the Basketball team…here’s
the short story on how that played out: “I’m five foot two and an asthmatic.”
Asthma became an excuse real quick. I couldn’t
do a, b or c because I had asthma. I’m so thankful my fourteen-year-old son
looks at it different. He says, “Yes, I have asthma. That means I have to work
harder to win and that makes me better.” What a great view point uh?
I went from an unhealthy teenager wearing a
size zero and a hundred and seventeen pounds to a very unhealthy Mom wearing a
size twelve and a hundred and sixty pounds. Then I began a transformation
journey. I became a size two and a hundred and thirty pounds. I became a
runner, a weight lifter, a competitor – a real athlete.
During this transformation I became more
outgoing, confident, happier, and healthier. I was enjoying life. I was happy
to go places and do things with my family. I was happy to pose for photos. I t
felt amazing to hear people tell me I inspired them. I was becoming this
beautiful Tonya that I had never seen or met. I felt as if I were coming out of
my cocoon, spreading my beautiful wings and learning to fly. I felt amazing.
Then…I fell.
I was at my best, the best I’d ever been and I
fell. The horrible part is I knew I was falling. I knew I needed to do
something about it. I just couldn’t quite make myself do it. I felt the need to
escape and so I hid in my house and read book after book after book. Don’t get
me wrong I read a lot anyway, but it felt safe inside my books. Nobody was
watching me there or judging me and the fact that I’d fallen.
When I look at the lyrics of ‘Collide’ – I feel
like I’m looking at my relationship with myself. “I worry I won’t see my face
light up again” – my Mom has always told me that my smile could light up a
room. I have not believed that because I’ve never liked my smile, but during my
“best” I sure smiled an awful lot.
“I’m quiet, you know” – I am a quiet person by
nature true, but the further I fell the more withdrawn I became. Even a quiet
person can get quieter. You find you don’t want to talk about things;
especially things around ‘the fall’.
“Even stars refuse to shine” – Just as I know
the stars are there, hidden just behind the clouds, I know that within me is
the body desiring to rise from the ash and fighting a mind that refuses to walk
forward.
I am colliding with myself. I am colliding
with the “has been”, the “best” and the “right now”. Am I speaking to anyone out there? Do you feel what I'm putting down?
Today, I'm taking a stand. This non-stop colliding has got to end. Peace must be found. Therefore, I'm strengthening my Spirit. I am forcing my Mind to walk and I'm taking back my Body! If those past Olympians are Brave enough to face the public eye, the Biggest Loser, after their fall - then I am tough enough to stand.
Do you know how often I find that I repeat myself! I'm not talking the "how many times do I have to tell you" nonsense that we ask our children from time to time. I'm talking about how many times to I tell myself the same thing over and over, how many times do I repeat it to other people?
Today, my Mom said, "I guess I just needed to hear it again." She's right you know. You find yourself repeating yourself over and over until it sinks in! It's like playing a sport, let's say baseball. You start out in t-ball and you move up through the years but you only get better at the sport with what?
Repetition.
Practice.
Over and over.
Right? Why am I telling you this? Well...this morning I read over the few previous posts that I have and I realized that I keep saying the same stuff! What brought this about? My MOM.
I thought about deleting the previous posts and then I thought,
"No, I want you to read my story, see my struggle..." So those
past few posts are staying put for that reason. I've recently been inspired to
get back to work, by none other than my Mother. Of course - she was the reason
in 2011... So I suppose it's only right that she once again has become that
source.
She started a Facebook group, after much prayer and deliberation that
has been inspiring me to do more.
You see, I have a few Facebook groups, a
couple Facebook pages but a lot of times I feel as if I'm simply talking to
myself. The likes, comments and shares are so few and far between that I wonder
why put in all that time and effort. Same goes with this blog...is anybody even reading it? Seriously? If it's not going to be read,
watched, liked, initiate a response or shared, then what is the point!
I also
have a bit of one track mind. I start off great and then become MIA. Most of
that is due to lack of engagement. It's HARD to have a one sided relationship
of any kind.
So why has Mom's Facebook group of all things spurred me into
action? Because believe it or not people are ENGAGING!
As a BeachBody Coach & a Close to my Heart Consultant I see a
lot of posts from other coaches and consultants. Some have GREAT engagement and
some not so much. The things I've noticed is those that receive the most
engagement are:
Posting
regularly (if not too much)
Posing
with product after product (Shakeology selfies are the worst...yes I'm
guilty of a few)
Making
silly videos that you have to watch
Making
videos that make you go "UH" (just lost 5 minutes of
my life)
Putting
themselves out there...
So
what's my struggle again? Lack of engagement, but that's not a 100% the truth. You see, I can do all the above things but a few of them put me 150% out of my comfort zone! I can post 50 times a day. I can pose with my Shakeology over and over (insert eye rolling). I can make the videos. I can put myself out there. The real problem however is...
I'm embarrassed.
I feel comfortable posting in my Mom's group, but putting all that out there on my personal page or my business page is just a bit unnerving.
I'm ashamed.
I fell completely off the fitness wagon and there are people in my friends list that I'd rather hide from, if I'm completely honest.
I'm afraid.
What will people think of me now that I'm not as inspiring as I was...
I'm sad.
I get emotional over the fact that I allowed this to happen...
I'm vulnerable.
I seem to have misplaced my confidence. I don't like that at all - who does right? And here's the BIG one...
I'm not in Control!
Here's the biggest question of all though. Was I really in control to begin with? What do you think? What am I going to do with this knowledge? I have dreams and I'm not doing such a good job at chasing them am I?
Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses.
If I know she is in the movie, I’m going to watch it. As I’ve been thinking
about what I want to say to you today this scene from Practical Magic
continually came to mind. Now, it doesn’t show you the part that I continually
thought of, so let me tell you what happens next.
The dead boyfriend’s ashes begin to fall from
the ceiling (his name is Jimmy and they
just banished him from Jillian) and one lady yells, “Let’s Clean HOUSE Ladies!” In this rough scruffy voice, I really
wanted to find a clip with that particular part, because that’s what I keep
hearing in my head over and over that I want to say to you. “Let’s clean house Ladies!”
I also want to point out that at the beginning
of this scene, Sally (Jillian’s sister)
has activated the phone tree and called every WOMAN they know, even those that don’t like them or have talked bad
about them, or have secretly been curious about them and guess what Sally did?
She asked for HELP!
Each woman walked
into that house with a broom, prepared to clean! They had a plan and they had
support, from even those they least expected it of.
Why is this on my mind and what on earth is the
point I’m getting to? What’s on my mind? Positivity. What’s my point?
We need to clean house on theinside. I see you’re still a little bit lost, so
let me explain.
How many times a day do you disrespect
yourself? How many times a day do you look in the mirror or simply think the
following things:
I’m fat.
I’m awkward.
I’m boney.
I look pregnant.
I look sick.
I’ll never get it right.
I’m never going to lose weight.
I’m never going to gain weight.
I’m stupid.
I’m not good enough.
I’m a bad mom.
I’m a bad wife.
I’m a bad friend.
I can’t do it.
I’ll never look that good.
I’m invisible.
My nose is too pointy.
My eyebrows too bushy.
My legs too short.
My feet too big.
How many times have you cried in that dressing
room?
Should I go on and list every insecurity and
lie you’ve told yourself? I'm sure there are YEARS of buildup. Would you say these things to your best friend? Would
you seriously tell her “Your nose is so
pointy I should nickname you Pinocchio”? Of course not! How rude and
disrespectful is that! What kind of friend would you be? So then why on God’s
green earth are you talking to yourself like that!
How does it make you feel when someone says
something disrespectful and rude to you? Like one I heard recently… “Why are you trying to lose weight? No one
will ever notice you.” If someone said that to you, how would it make you
feel?
Angry, Sad, Hurt, deflated, crushed…like you
shouldn’t even bother? Right?
So let me ask this again, WHY are you talking to yourself like that? You are hurting YOU and you don’t even know it! The
mind is a powerful thing! You have probably heard me say and if you haven’t you
will… a lot; “the body will not go where
the mind will not take it.”
If you mind is over there talking smack about
how much you suck and how you’ll never be able to do 10 sit ups, run a 5K or
lift 200 pounds with your legs – then guess what? You won’t. Simple as that.
You already told yourself no. You already told your body that it isn’t strong
enough or good enough. What a crock!
All that constant negative chatter going on
inside our heads is holding us back; it’s keeping us from living the life we
were made for. It makes us miserable, frustrated and depressed and sometimes we
don’t even know it!
We have to be very aware of the way we talk to
ourselves, and don’t tell me you don’t - honey - cause everybody talks to themselves. You
don’t really think I believe that you are just sitting there with an empty head
and nothing running through that beautiful mind of yours, do you? Good, cause I
don’t.
It’s like when you walk into a room to get something;
only once you get there you can’t remember what it was – so you start mumbling
to yourself, “Now, what was it I came in
here for?” Your mind is always running and it can run away with you!
Not too long ago, my Mom and I had a discussion
about cremation. Stop asking if this
thought train just derailed, it didn’t. She wanted to know my thoughts on
it. Well, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it or what my thoughts were on it. I
did some asking. I did some research. And then with my brilliant mind, I made
my own decision. MINE. Not yours,
not hers and not anybody else’s. What I decided was this…
I am a Christian, so obviously I looked to the
Bible for my answer. The Bible from my viewpoint wasn't real clear on this and if it was it would have
bit me on the nose. I am also a creative person. I like to make pretty things
with paper. I like to use my hands.
So, I thought to myself (see already talking to myself); “how would I feel if I worked so hard on this beautiful scrapbook album
and gifted it to someone, only to eventually watch them burn it?” I worked
so hard on it! I put my heart and soul into it and they burned it?!!! I’d be
crushed, devastated!
As a Christian, I believe I am created by God.
I am HIS work of art. There
is not another me. I am the only me there is. God believes me beautiful and wonderfully
made. “I am the apple of God’s eye, a
treasured person.” Psalm 17:8. In other scriptures it says, “I am God’s treasured possession.” I am HIS work of art – how can I burn
his creation?
Furthermore, how can I treat HIS creation the way I do? Have
I no respect?! Talking smack to myself, telling myself those horrible negative
things? Is that really what I think God believes of me? Scripture says
otherwise, doesn’t it?
So Ladies, here is my challenge to you – STOP the negativity! It’s like
mindlessly scrolling Facebook – DRAINING!
As soon as you catch yourself doing it – STOP.
You know that movie Parental Guidance where
they are saying, “use your words” and
anytime you put someone down you have to give them 3 put ups? Every time you
catch yourself - disrespecting yourself – I want you to stop and think of 3
positive things and say them - out loud. Heck! Write them on a post-it and
stick them on your wall! I want to see them!
We’ve got to clean house ladies! We’ve got to
get that dead-beat jerk of Negativity banished! Respect yourself and the
wonderfully made creation that you are enough to stand up to your own negative self-talk.
You are so much more than you believe – so do yourself a favor and get out of
your way!
You have help and you have support even if you
don’t realize it yet. So pick up that broom my friend, and let’s continue on
this journey to an all around healthier lifestyle.
:)
